Is There A Disconnect In Your Relationship?
Do you and your partner feel like you’re just not in love anymore? Are both of you struggling with poor communication and a lack of empathy? Maybe you’ve noticed a change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps they’re drinking more, using screens excessively, or viewing pornography, and it’s interfering with your relationship. Or maybe you don’t even know the reason for your disconnect—the intimacy just isn’t there anymore. Some days, you simply want to throw your hands up and say: I give up. I just can’t do this any longer.
When your marriage or relationship is on the rocks, every area of your life can feel like it’s gone sour. Relational struggles may cause anxiety, depression, and a general inability to focus on work and other obligations. You and your partner may be tempted to hide your issues when you’re with others, putting on a show around other couples and acting like everything is fine. Deep down, however, the tension between you may be growing by the day. The lack of honesty and connection is impossible to keep sweeping under the rug.
In the face of all these difficulties, you probably wish you could just make your partner change. Maybe you tell yourself: If they would just stop being so secretive, irritable, or careless, our relationship would go back to normal. Nonetheless, a marriage or relationship can only succeed when both of you do your part of the heavy lifting. It’s important to take 100 percent responsibility for your 50 percent of the equation. In marriage and couples counseling, I will help you and your partner take charge of your individual issues and strengthen your love for each other.
Trust Issues Are Inevitable In A World With So Many Distractions, Temptations & Medicators
Relationships are hard. Maintaining a committed one is extra difficult in today’s world, where there are more opportunities for numbing, acting out, and relying on unhealthy dependencies than ever before. Our culture is the most medicated society on earth—there is a drug store, fast food restaurant, and bar on every corner. The internet is affordable, anonymous, and accessible, making it easy to view pornography, begin discreet relationships with others, and/or get certain needs met without having to communicate to your partner. Our digital world may be able to satisfy many of our cravings, but it often distracts us from the emotional connections we so desperately need.
Oftentimes, medicating behaviors—such as recreational drug use and alcohol abuse—are born out of discomfort. The anxious person might find relief by smoking, drinking or over-eating. Someone who struggles with self-esteem may find instant gratification looking at pornography or temporary comfort starting a secret relationship. When one member of a marriage or partnership engages in these behaviors, the results are messy. One partner may start policing the other’s behavior, regulating their alcohol use or screen time. Though these actions usually stem from good intentions, they often diminish trust and lead to unhealthy power dynamics in a partnership.
Additionally, many couples are afraid to ask for help. Most people are raised with the false idea that vulnerability equals weakness, so they hide their struggles around others. Unfortunately, hiding problems doesn’t make them disappear. Just as a patient with an illness such as cancer would seek an oncologist rather than fight their cancer alone, it’s essential for a couple to have a compassionate, unbiased professional to help them assess what’s not working and assist in working through their differences.
Marriage Counseling Can Help You And Your Partner Deeper Your Compassion For Each Other
The most polarizing word in a relationship is “Why.” In our experience working with couples, no word elicits more defensiveness. Asking your partner “why” takes the focus off of your own feelings and puts it all on your partner’s. When you stop asking why and take a more internal view, you must color yourself into the equation. Eliminating “why” questions is a way to access more honesty, ownership, and vulnerability. In marriage and couples counseling, we want to help you understand your own feelings so that your partner will feel invited to do the same. This is a great step toward being able to communicate without blame, justification, defense, or omission.
In the initial 90-minute diagnostic evaluation, you and your loved one will meet with a warm, compassionate, non-judgmental couples therapist to explore the strengths and challenges in your relationship. Typically, your therapist will meet with both of you together in the first session. Afterward, we may conduct a session with each of you separately to hear each individual story uncensored. Our goal is not to figure out who’s right and wrong, but to teach skills and provide tools that help you create the kind of relationship you want.
In subsequent sessions, we will help both of you enhance compassion for yourselves and each other by understanding your individual stories on a deeper level. For instance, if your partner grew up with a controlling parent, there is a strong likelihood that order could feel like control to them. Or if you came from an addicted family system, these unresolved patterns of behavior from your family of origin may have carried into your relationship. Learning about the unconscious backstory and how it fuels behavior is therapeutic. It generates greater compassion for yourself, which results in deeper empathy for the other.
Additionally, we want to help you manage stressors and regulate emotions. One of our main priorities is helping you and your significant other manage your triggers and rate their intensity. We will help you move from “You’re annoying and I can’t take it,” to “I’m feeling stressed, probably at a 6 out of 10, and I would like to talk.” We want to help you identify what makes you lose your cool. By identifying the situations that make you snap, you can incorporate many skills and tools to prevent polarization and isolation. We will help you act out of intention rather than reaction.
Although treatment plans vary from couple to couple, we often draw from an approach called Family Systems Theory (FST). This intervention is rooted in the idea that when one part of a system (or relationship) has a problem, the whole system is affected. The goal of FST is to invite ownership and responsibility into your relationship. Rather than blaming your partner or judging their inner psychic process, this approach will ask you to take care of your own side of the street first. It will also help you identify your expectations, needs, and beliefs, and begin sharing them in your relationship.
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. The key is not to avoid conflict, but to learn how to navigate it in a way that is peaceful and non-reactionary. No matter how stuck or hopeless you might feel, it is possible to acquire the skills and tools to breathe new life into your relationship. Our goal is to show you how.
You may have some concerns about marriage counseling…
Do you really think there is hope for us?
The fact that you are reading this page and looking for help shows that there is hope. Couples rarely seek help for their relationship. The research suggests that on average, most couples wait six years before asking for help. The skills and tools we utilize will help both of you build a mutual awareness of your own needs and learn the art of listening. The result will manifest in greater compassion for yourself and each other.
What if we have trouble affording couples therapy?
We’ll never push you to do something you don’t want to or can’t afford. At the same time, investing in your marriage can have an exponential effect not only on your relationship but also for your children that are watching and learning everything you teach them. It can ensure you and your partner have the skills and tools to achieve the relationship of your dreams.
Why should I choose Relationship Enrichment for therapy?
As a practice, we believe that being a good therapist means walking the walk, not just talking the talk. All of us seek help for our own challenges and prioritize having healthy, constructive personal lives. When necessary, we like to incorporate our own life experience into counseling, ensuring that we are the same people in practice that we are outside the office.
Learn To Navigate Conflict Peacefully And Live With Intention
If you and your partner are dealing with communication issues and a lack of understanding, couples counseling can help you heal the disconnect at the heart of your marriage. To begin the healing process, you can call our intake coordinator at 704-804-0810 or fill out the intake form.
We offer both online and in-person marriage counseling right now. Our office is very spacious and easily facilitates social distancing.
¹ https://www.gottman.com/blog/timing-is-everything-when-it-comes-to-marriage-counseling/
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